Long day
For those of you that have actually spoken to me since I've been here, you've probably heard me complain about the bells in the nearby church. They are at it again, 75 minutes and counting now.
So I've spent a great deal of time thinking about (read: dreading) today. The 12th of April, that is. Elaine died a year ago today, and I feel pretty pathetic when I dwell on it. I really miss her. A year later I am still of two minds about it. On one hand it is the most tragic thing I can think of, even if it wasn't so personal, even if she hadn't been my best friend since the 5th grade. On the other hand it still seems like the most ludicrous thing imaginable. I mean WTF?! I still feel like that. The week after she died everyone kept saying how time was dragging on, things like "I feel like I've lived a month since Tuesday" And the whole time I just wanted to scream: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What just happened?! Could things just slow down for a second!?!" Everything happened so fast, and I can't believe it's been a year.
I've had a weird little mantra that's been pulsing away in my head lately but it dawned on me this morning that today was probably NOT the anniversary of the worst day of my life - I'm pretty sure that yesterday was. Lainey died at about 2am on the 12th, and the day that followed was probably the most surreal I've ever experienced, but I spent all day on the 11th trying to keep my head together and get back to Iowa in time to say goodbye. I was a complete wreck - God bless my roommate for a) making me leave work before I burst into tears, and b) for sedating me with the Xanax he keeps on hand for emergencies. And god bless my baby sister and my mom for driving up to get me. I still wished I'd gotten there a little sooner, but that's not what matters now. I wish I had more pictures of the two of us together - but neither of us ever much cared for pictures.
Here's to you Lainey. Say Hi to Kurt Vonnegut for me.
-A
So I've spent a great deal of time thinking about (read: dreading) today. The 12th of April, that is. Elaine died a year ago today, and I feel pretty pathetic when I dwell on it. I really miss her. A year later I am still of two minds about it. On one hand it is the most tragic thing I can think of, even if it wasn't so personal, even if she hadn't been my best friend since the 5th grade. On the other hand it still seems like the most ludicrous thing imaginable. I mean WTF?! I still feel like that. The week after she died everyone kept saying how time was dragging on, things like "I feel like I've lived a month since Tuesday" And the whole time I just wanted to scream: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What just happened?! Could things just slow down for a second!?!" Everything happened so fast, and I can't believe it's been a year.
I've had a weird little mantra that's been pulsing away in my head lately but it dawned on me this morning that today was probably NOT the anniversary of the worst day of my life - I'm pretty sure that yesterday was. Lainey died at about 2am on the 12th, and the day that followed was probably the most surreal I've ever experienced, but I spent all day on the 11th trying to keep my head together and get back to Iowa in time to say goodbye. I was a complete wreck - God bless my roommate for a) making me leave work before I burst into tears, and b) for sedating me with the Xanax he keeps on hand for emergencies. And god bless my baby sister and my mom for driving up to get me. I still wished I'd gotten there a little sooner, but that's not what matters now. I wish I had more pictures of the two of us together - but neither of us ever much cared for pictures.
Here's to you Lainey. Say Hi to Kurt Vonnegut for me.
-A
posted by Abbie | 8:15 PM
2 Comments:
The Weakerthans have a lyric that goes, "waiting for a year to drown." I'm pretty sure that applies - every moment, every day, and especially every year that drowns brings more days that you go without feeling pain. After that, you get to have the days where you only experience joy when you think of them.
I know you know this, but I felt compelled to say it out.
Loss sucks. Now there's a trite statement that can be applied all over the place. Life sucks, work sucks, sex sucks, church sucks...but I think it all boils down to loss. We keep being told we're supposed to connect and to be real and to form lasting bonds and in the end we get to see them stretched, snapped and broken in the dust with no one actually telling us what for. It's a growing experinance, it's a learning curve, it's what we do to experiance the human condition...it's bull shit. I'm never surprised when people end up over medicated, over sedated or over excited about life, because as much as we say we're supposed to grow through this, growing hurts. I keep telling myself I'm happy to keep moving toward something that will make me a better person, and all I know is it makes me feel so bad I can't keep my friends from hurting.
I miss you Abbie. And I can bet Lainey misses you even more.
I'm taking a xanax and calling it a day. Sometimes the little days are just as worthy of better living through chemistry.
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